Stagnant

2013 has come and gone, but somehow I don’t really feel anything. Why is that?

Because nothing’s changed.

Earlier this year I was pretty depressed about… Having no friends. But I had the wrong angle on it. Of course I have friends. It’s such a loose term that even someone like I can have them. What I was really having the feels about, perhaps, was being unwanted.

The signs are everywhere. Everywhere I go, to whatever outings or OGL camp or tonight’s countdown, everyone has someone else to talk to.

Nobody talks to Keith.

The exclusion is palpable. There’re so many examples I won’t even list them. And I can try but nobody puts in any effort to hold a conversation either, I guess. There’s always someone you’d rather talk to than me. This much I have noticed.

And this is how I’m going into the New Year. Not alone, surrounded by people in fact, but unwanted. Perhaps I’m only physically not alone. Who was I kidding? Nothing’s changed. I had thought that becoming more sociable and everything would help, but I’ve been stuck at square one for the longest time, deluding myself into thinking that anything had changed since that hell. But nothing has. Nothing has and nothing will. I was right then, you know. Life only gets worse. I kept trying to tell myself that wasn’t true but it is.

I hate this life so much.

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